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Wednesday 1 February 2012

I have nothing to lose

I got really moved by the mail i received from a friend who is a loner like me ,it got me thinking we all have a way of pouring  our hearts out in one form or the other.Some of us take refuge in nature,some of us  talk to ourselves which i do quite often and some of us have a company of imaginary friends .But loneliness , i feel is one of the gifts conferred by  god. Such people are blessed with expression and are able to communicate feelings through their words pretty well . No matter how lonely i feel at times , but yet am a very happy person focused on what i want in life , as i have no distractions .My time belongs to me,i am not answerable to any one except myself.I am fearless,not scared of dark,nor scared of losing any thing as i have nothing to lose.I strongly believe we all come naked and alone and thats how we are going to go so have no attachments .I have my own set of friends and those are my plants , my love for dogs and nature , my inquisitive mind which is always searching and what ever little knowledge i gain , i share on my blogs . My blogger friends,though i may not know them personally but they sure would wonder about my disappearance when i am gone.And with time the memories fade away,so will mine. Ireally don't know if there is life after death but like every one i do desire to know how does one feel when one takes his last breath and the final destination of our soul , if it really exists.and here are the excerpts of the mail which made me write this post.

Got up quite late (was about 7 am) and by 8.30 was on the treadmill.
I was sweating as hell by now and had covered about 6 km. It was at that moment that I understood the meaning of God is in everything and everything is in God.
What happened at this moment? As I ran across the treadmill I felt a vibration. A movement. Everything was in focus and was clear. I was a part of the treadmill, of the walls around me. Of all the animate and inanimate things around me. I was them and they were me. I was a part of God.
Because of my restricted intellect I had to give God a name...a form. I imagined the entire universe....the entire cosmos...almost like from the outside...but then there is no outside....because God encompasses everything. But I still needed to see him. I visualised him as Krishna. The blue skinned prince. Reclining. Consisting of all the billions of stars and suns and black holes and gas and dust and rock and me and you. There I was in God's loving embrace. In his lap as he nurtured me. Fed me the milk of life from his breast. I was he and he was me. I learnt that I needed to love myself because I am a part of him and if I love myself then in turn I love him.
I needed to nurture the fields that belong to him, because they are him and if I nurture them I will be doing my duty towards him. I must make a beautiful garden this year. My only duty towards him is to love him. He does not want me to pray nor enact any rituals. What duty am I talking about? All I need to do is to love myself and that is all.
Who am I? What is my life? The 50 long years that I have lived what do they mean. Will my soul survive my body?
My soul will survive my body. In God. He will have seen me and seen through me and experienced me and experienced through me because he is a part of me and I of him. My soul will continue to be with him. After my body has gone. In what form? That I don't know. Maybe in his memories or as a part of his eternal vibration. A part of his OM. I don't know and probably won't understand.
My 50 years are not even a tick on his watch. Because he is eternal.
I visualised him again. Serene, calm, smiling. He caressed my hair.
How am I to communicate with him? I needed something. I decided to use a sound...OM. I imagined it to be the sound of celestial vibration. The sound of God at work.
I lay in his lap for quite some time. I forgot my hate and my loathing for her. She was no longer my God. I had found my true God. I gave myself up to him. I took responsibility for all my actions and for whatever had happened in my life. I decided to live and be a part of what I believe is true.
I am in control again. Of my life, of my destiny. I don't need to blame anyone for my misfortunes. It was God's way of giving me a whack on my butt and letting me know who the real boss is.
God is life itself and life is God.
Amen.

photo credit photo bucket.com

14 comments:

  1. Said the straight man...to the late man...where have you been?
    I've been here and I've been there and been in between.
    Confusion...I hope will not be my epitaph.
    Loneliness...does provide clarity...of thought although it does sometimes leads to negativity but over a period the clarity it provides far outweighs the negativity.
    It's a double edged sword and somehow I have come to terms with it.
    It may sound like a conundrum but sharing of loneliness is one of the finest of human thoughts and emotions and experiences.
    Leads me away from the mindlessness and the sheer futility of this human existence. The conundrum is that it provides me with a reason to live...to breathe and to be a part of this infinite universe.
    What do I have to loose if i share the darkest secrets of my soul...nothing but the virginity of my thoughts and my soul.
    Alka...the frank brutality of your thoughts, the ability to share your deepest emotions are what I admire.
    I love the edginess of your musings...yes my friend...nothing to loose...but loads to gain.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and helping me to get my Kumbhkaran mind out of it's eternal slumber.

    S

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful thoughts of your......I am really very happy for reaching you through this wonderful article...Please keep sharing.

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  3. Right from the bottom of your heart, couldn't be more beautiful and touching than this. I totally agree with loners having some sort of god gifted talent .. some paint, some play music and some jot down their emotions in the form of words ... Keep it up!

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  4. Wow. You are the seeker and you are what is sought. We are all expressions of the infinite, and within each of us lies the potential for Buddhahood, for enlightenment, for leading others to enlightenment, and to godliness. A very nice, and refreshingly different post from you, one that reflects your centeredness and your determination. Enjoyed reliving your thoughts through the post.

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  5. To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many of us who would rather meet our bitterest enemies on the battlefield of life, than their own bleeding hearts.

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  6. that was quite thoughtful. kind of knowing yourself from within!!!

    thanks for sharing this wonderful post...

    i visualize Rama when it comes to think about god...

    regards
    rahul

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  7. Beautifully Crafted and very Deep. I don't follow any God. I love to follow my heart, my intuition, my bliss and in a way i follow me. Loved this post to the core. Keep writing. You got the essence.

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  8. Do u really need to think about God ??

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  9. elvira,seema thank you so much:)
    aakash very rightly said loners do have some sort of god gifted talent as i have noticed over the years in peoples writings,paintings etc:)
    subhorup thank you soooo much:)and very well said we are all expressions of the infinite these wrds will linger in my mind for long:)
    rahul thank you so much,i believe god is one we all just have diffrent ways of seeking him and seeing him in our minds:)
    saikat thank you so much your words mean alot to me
    raja this was someones email i had refeered to here who sees god while running on the treadmill..

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  10. very deep post, thought provoking Alka

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  11. I think the correct phrase to replace loneliness would be being alone which you experienced on the moment experienced on the treadmill. I believe it would be like deafening silence.

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