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Monday, 13 February 2012

lessons from relationships

i am not here to preach but share what so ever i learnt from my life and particularly relationships.I experienced a sudden change in my life when i got married and came to stay in Delhi.Different people,different place , different culture and of course a different family. Until my marriage i knew nothing about caste , creed and culture ,for me only hindu,muslims and kashmiris were the three castes that existed . I would certainly like to share what i feel about diverse castes but would like to share about my learning from a broken  marriage and a couple of relationships i have had . when i look back and think of my married life i realise my marriage worked till the point i was not demanding , non demanding to the the extent if we had a flat tyre ,he would sit on the pavement and watch me change the tyre of the car and i still remember the day when it poured heavily , our apartment was flooded with water due to a blocked drain in the balcony, without giving it a second  thought  i went down,caught hold of a ladder ,climbed up and tried cleaning the blocked water pipe. I got drenched in rain while he watched me struggle open the block from the balcony ,that was the moment i got really pissed off and began to even hate his smile.There are many more such instances which i would not want to go into details , neither do i want to blame him but i blame myself for having created such a situation where a man became a woman and i started playing the role of a man.being a tom boy i was used to that kind of lifestyle which i continued living even after marriage ,  it gave me sense of achievement ,sense of my strength as a girl who was not dependent on a man , probably my bringing up made all the difference (being 5sisters no brother we  grew up into selfdependent girls)But that certainly did not lead to my divorce  , it was his extra marital affairs that led me to walk out on him  and i have no regrets about it , except that i married a guy who did not deserve me at all , probably i was too young when i fell in love for the first time(though i call it infatuation now) i was merely an 18yr old girl.Before i move away from the point i am trying to make , no matter how good or bad experience was my marriage for me but i learnt a few lessons which i am about to share and are important to make a relationship work . I would certainly want to mention my relationships as they were learning experience for me .  I broke off from 1st relationship on my will , one fine day i decided to walk out on him as i felt we had no future together and  we were getting no where,but till date he loves me though i dont love him any more but yes i do respect him and think of the time spent together.We  still wish each other on b'days and have healthy conversation without the mention of past . Theres  no bitterness , and the unbelievable fact we never had an argument in 5years of association forget the fights,such was the beauty of that relationship that i shall always cherish.My second relationship did not last for more than few months ,he became too obsessed , alcholic which led me to break free from that relationship and i swore never again. but being a human being we all hunt for love atleast i do.for me love is the ultimate which is extremely difficult to get unless you are the blessed one.

From what ever i have learnt the most important thing i feel is one needs to learn to give in love not demand , for that matter any relationship when it becomes too demanding it does not last and love is a very sensitive issue an emotional experience  . Love is giving not  receiving the moment you stop expecting and things fall in your platter on its own .
 Set free your partner dont try to hold him or her, it leads to nothing but suffocation and if your partner truly loves you , he or she will never cheat on you and if one does then theres no point of being in that relationship, a relationship has to have a strong bonding based on trust and honesty .I would also like to add if someone promises to change or mend ways , please dont trust  "people dont change." And please please please if ever you find your partner cheating on you break free from that relationship dont wait for your kids to grow up,they will get what they are entitled to , once a liar is always a liar and i feel once a cheater is always a cheater,at least thats what i learnt from my experience,though i always told him "if you fall out of love with me let me know,we shall part ways amicably" But neither he told me nor he changed and 13 years of my youth ,passed away sulking for the fact i knew he was involved with other women but never admitted instead gave me and my daughter hard time so that i leave him on my own.
One should avoid criticising your partner ,always try to put it across gently through conversation to improve upon or what you like or dislike rather than indulging in to criticising. Always criticise the situation that led your partner behave like that, its always situations and circumstances that develop our personality, no one is good or bad so lets not be judgemental.
 Avoid argument or retaliate in fights- as much as possible , choose silence rather than reacting or retaliate in a fight, try to maintain calm believe me it works,i often say "silence is the best killer",let the other partner pour out , honestly wear ear plugs or listen to music while the other partner is can always talk it out once the situation is better.
 Look at the positive side of your partner rather than the negative , the more negative you see the more negative it would appear to be.
Last but not least respect for each other and space is very important.

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